it has been _____ days since my last

.very slow ride home tonight.

thinking about guilt. feeling guilt. leading me to ponder the nature of guilt. questioning: what were the guilt impacts of my catholic upbringing, after all? but my upbringing had a large dose of criticism, skepticism and cynicism, too, so the whole guilt thing was public. apparent and discussed and laughed at. but not erased. then wondering about guilt in other cultures and religions. maybe there is a group of people out there that doesn't even have a word for guilt? and furthermore, what's the relationship between sinning and guilt? surely one can have guilt without having sinned. but hey, when a person is sentenced, they are found...guilty.

stop. recognizing my drift into intellectualization and away from the feelings that raised the whole issue. that's so easy to do, isn't it?

who absolves guilt?
do i absolve myself?
the one whom i feel guilted about?
has jesus already taken care of this for me?

on the eve of

downstairs, reading the sacramento bee that has mysteriously appeared on our doormat the past 2 days. today somehow the 'style' section was put on the top of the pile. so, the front page news bound by rubberband was of what the bush women are wearing to inaugural events. i am a sucker for those slim fashion design drawings, and so i read on. half way through, i stopped and corrected myself. something seems just _off_ about fascinating over the clothing choices of the female first family at this juncture.

when i finally reached the real front page section (after reading the food and wine section, which naturally comes after style), i read about condoleeza rice's testimony for senate approval to become the secretary of state. the article focused on our own barbara boxer's grilling of ms. rice. much use of quotations, by rice, boxer, a supportive republican. and then,

"Frankly, your answer disturbs me," said Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., making his first public appearance in the Senate since losing his bid last year to defeat Bush.

oh. hi john. it's so nice to see you. really, i'm glad to see you, to read your voice. the last time i saw you, on tv, you told me, and a huge roomful of people, "thank you. i love you." it's good to know you're still here. best wishes for a happy new year.

wednesday - the new tuesday?

just yesterday, i was lamenting the passing of tuesday as the bold frontrunner for friday last fall. i wondered at which day might emerge triumphant, secretly cheering for a dark horse, and not the old usual, the yankees of the seven day week - friday itself. and while it's too early to get out that ribboned wreath and the old big flash camera just yet, it's clear that wednesday is taking the lead. will she ride to victory?
i hope so. burdened with so many letters, and that unfortunate humpday stigma, one would expect she'd be too weighed down to rise to the weekly occasion. but nonetheless, my bets are on wednesday.

hands lightly on the brakes

in trying to make an appointment time with a professor this afternoon, i stumbled and tripped over numbers "3:45. no, no, i mean quarter to 2. after 1 sometime. 3:45. no." over the past days i've had to write a statement of purpose for a fellowship application. the directed thinking it necessitates about my life, past present and future, weaves like the blueprint plans of city streets i'm reading about, and on the sidewalks there are families with babies, lovers, loners. but the mental map is becoming flooded - strollers, old condoms, dog leashes, are all floating around in a high density urban pool. when i stick my toe into that fluid geography, i can't tell if the water's hot or cold right now. it's just soaking wet. riding my bike to and fro on campus today, nearly entirely not there, until i caught myself: i just randomly tilted my head down and noticed my hands on the handlebars, and realized i was outside, on a traffic circle, operating a moving vehicle.