right now she's singing:
you are going to have to find out for yourself
i've been experimenting with aloness. successfully. it is honestly unlike any endeavor i've ever set myself upon. i don't feel like going into the details of it's all encompassing-ness. but one of the effects. some days i am bursting with it: the desire and drive to put into action my big ideas. there are two big BIG projects i want to take on. i go back and forth from meetings between the 2, the buildings where the meetings are for each are right down a path from each other. one involves a huge state grant, nearly a half million, for designing and implementing a community-based urban stormwater runoff program. education, landscape design, schoolkids doing GIS, the works. this comes from my work study job. this could be my thesis. this is my re-entry into the water world. the second is developing a campus energy efficiency campaign, working with facilities management and students to reduce electricity use at dorms. this keeps my in touch with my present expertise, but expands a bit from the world of renewable energy. this is something i could really take full control of. this would put the years of sitting behind my desk at my old job into action. this is what i wanted to do at my old job. this is something i for which i would apply for a fellowship.
with the aloness taking effect more and more, suddenly i see myself throwing myself into these time consuming, energy slaking projects. and i want to. all through college, and in my fair city, i wouldn't commit to anything, not anything beyond the requirements, that would keep me from hanging out. this was, in part, a reaction to my life from k-12 grade, when i held numerous class president positions, academic challenge membership, model u.n., etc. back then i strove. then striving wasn't cool anymore for me, i guess. but it's always been in there, my ambition for being extraordinary. i think the timer wrote of this once, maybe in different terms, about 'whats so wrong with ambition?' and so now i see that in aloness, i can rekindle it, and like it. nay, i can't be alone forever, and i'm guessing (hoping) that i can strike a balance down the road. but right now it's gaining momentum, propelling me. my concern was that i could not handle 2 big projects like that at the same time, plus school, plus enjoyment. but tonight, in crisp air with clean clear darkness around me, i felt so energized with it all, catapulting forward. i don't know if i can maintain it. i put some things away to get to the aloness, but they are not gone, and i don't know how where the integration lies. but i have faith in this feeling. while preparing stir fry sizzling and popping in the background, i was chopping the beautiful yellow and green pepper, slicing through it with a very sharp knife, and i said yes, this is what i feel like right now.